Proverbs 31:10-31

Click here to view the full sermon video, titled "Capable"

Our reading this morning, from the closing of the book of Proverbs, sounds like such a nice passage of scripture. It is the familiar staple of many a Mother’s Day service, and the funerals of more that a few beloved mamas. This ode to the capable wife is a classic piece of acrostic Hebrew poetry in which each line begins with the next successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. To many people these words pay respect to the virtue and value of a woman’s place in her family. Indeed a friend of mine once told me how as a teenager, her youth bible study spent several week examining this passage and lifting it up the young women in the group as the biblical example they should follow. “This was who we were supposed to be,” she remembered. Who can fault them, I guess? It seems like such a nice bit of scripture. Except there might be more than a few of us who hear these words and take a step back in revulsion, or disbelief. Beginning with the rather limiting suggestion that a woman’s highest calling is defined by her role as a spouse, defined in terms of her value to her husband. Beyond that, there is something about the woman described that sounds a little too good to be true, a little too perfect- I mean, even the structure of her poetic ode is perfectly ordered. It’s the kind of perfection that instils as much jealously and envy as admiration. Here’s a woman who’s more Martha Stewart than even Martha Stewart. And the truth is that for as nice and poetic as this text appears on the surface, it is a potential killer. It might sound a little overwrought to ask it, but how did something this insidious come to have so much influence. Maybe that’s a bit melodramatic, but given how often these words are misread and misused, it’s not too far off the mark to ask.

The first line of the ode begins with a question, “A capable wife, who can find?” Well, if the qualifications for capable (capable, mind you, not even exceptional, simply adequate) if that’s what follows, then the question begs a fairly obvious answer. Who can find her? No one. She doesn’t exist. No one is this good, this wise, this strong and shrewd and industrious. There is not a woman, nor a man for that matter, capable of meeting this standard. Oh, but there are plenty who would try. There are plenty who would pretend they can be. Maybe they’ve been told in bible studies, or maybe they’ve been taught by the capitalist consumer model that this is who they should be. If they want to have it all, they must do it all, and do it all well: be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect career woman. Look at this scripture. This woman does it all. She’s a field hand who is skilled in both handicraft and real estate, with the time to do charitable work and make her own clothes. Her children and husband may rise up to call her happy, but I’d venture to guess that she’s closer to exhausted, or sleep-deprived. It’s no wonder  that her family says such nice things about her, they apparently don’t have to lift a finger. She does it all for them. Who wouldn’t be happy to praise someone like that? Now, it’s easy to be incredulous about the kind of life this proverbial wisdom lifts up as capable. That is the general consensus among colleagues who question the wisdom of even attempting to preach a word like this. I read a commentary that advised prospective preachers to avoid proclaiming it altogether. All the reasons for steering clear- it’s unrealistic, it’s chauvinistic, it’s offensive- make it all the more important to consider. Whether we like it or not, this is in the Bible and there are too many people who would have us believe that what is presented with these closing words from Proverbs is the blueprint for being a woman of God. I have to confess, that sounds downright dangerous.

It calls to mind the monologue from the Barbie Movie that the mother, Gloria, delivers to her daughter and the other Barbies.

“It is literally impossible to be a woman,” she tells them. “You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.

But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.”

Pressure like that can kill a person, or at the very least steal your soul. Every year admissions office at the best colleges and universities receive applications from thousands of prospective students trying to make the cut. The people who get accepted are the exceptional ones: the president of the student council, the first-chair musician, the captain of the debate team who finds time to volunteer at the local soup kitchen. I was talking to our daughter, Grace, about scholarship opportunities for attending graduate school. “I don’t know,” she told me, “I don’t think they’d be interested in me, I haven’t cured cancer.” She feels the pressure. There’s also a price that comes with that level of achievement. Eating disorders are the number one health risk  among undergraduate women on the most elite college campuses; women trying to meet an impossible standard. One campus minister to such a school noted that, “alcohol gives our students a temporary vacation from the misery of having to be a success all the time.” Having to be the best at everything costs us something. When our entire sense of self-worth and value is built upon our productivity and others’ impressions of how capable we are, our lives are built on shifting sand. Or to paraphrase our gospel lesson from last week, “What does is profit a person to gain the world’s praise and accolades, only to lose our soul?” When Jesus’ own disciples start arguing about which of them is the greatest, the most capable, Jesus cautions, “Whoever wants to be first, must be last of all.” Not last like the capable wife who puts her family first and over functions by doing everything for them, so they don’t have to. But last like a child. Last like someone who is incapable of multi-tasking their way into heaven. Last like the one who stands in awe of God’s goodness, and relies entirely upon the wisdom that created heaven and earth to provide what she truly needs.

You see I don’t think this poem is about us at all, or the women among us. As usual, our first mistake is assuming that scripture is talking about us instead of telling us about who God is, what God is like. In the opening chapter of this book of Proverbs, Wisdom- biblical wisdom, the wisdom of God- is personified as a woman who cries out in the street inviting us to listen to her voice and live at ease. Later, in the eighth chapter of Proverbs, Woman Wisdom is once again heard calling out and reveals her role in creation, working alongside the Holy One of Israel as the foundations of the earth were being marked out. The subject of the book of Proverbs is not us, it is wisdom, and time and again she is spoken of in the feminine. Finally, here at the end of the book, she is the capable helpmate, doing good and not harm, providing good for the household of God, opening her hand to the poor and clothing her children- you and me- in the garments of justice and peace. It’s when we listen to her, when we rely upon her strength and dignity that we find ourselves blessed beyond any measure of what we might aspire to achieve by and for ourselves. Because the love of God is never something that we merit. And as long as we keep trying to prove how capable we are, as long as we’re talking about how great and important we think we are, we will find that we are incapable of receiving riches for more precious than any jewel. But if we will simply stop, and consider all that Wisdom is capable of doing in our lives, if we will listen and receive all that she has to give, then we too will rise up to sing her praises.